My name is Patrick. I’m often called Patch, Paddy and extremely awkward. I sometimes like to pretend I’m black, but I’m quickly reminded that I’m whiter than Casper. However that doesn’t stop me from showing off that I know almost every lyric to every Nicki Minaj song out there.
I’m also tall and thin, but I find mostly that Gumby has a better body than me. My attempts to tone up at the gym are often sabotaged by my love for fat and salt.
I have a twitter account but nobody ever talks to me, and I’m convinced that because I follow characters from The Office that we’re all really good friends. You can say I’m wrong about that but I can promise you all you’ll gain from that is a swimming pool in your back yard full of my salty tears.
I’ve found that if I make fun of myself before others get the chance to (and let’s face it, it’s inevitable), it’s easier to hide my pain.